Alertness is Stressful

I don't really stress about COVID per-se that much anymore; early on in the pandemic it was scarier to be faced by a disease so different that it was hard to know what to expect in the face of a virulent disease with an exponential growth curve.

After about 6 months of practical on-the-ground experience at-a-distance, the disease itself feels less "unknown" and scary.

But I still feel drained and tired.

I think the real problem is the constant risk calculations I have to make about aspects of my life that I never had to give a second thought before. How do school holidays affect my comfort level with public spaces? Who can I afford to see face-to-face? Who do I need to see face-to-face for a semblance of sanity? When did I last go to the shops? Where did this parcel come from?

Insane questions to be asking.
But still, very necessary.

And then there is the second outward-facing half... what risks am I exposing others to? Have I touched anything I should wash my hands after? Did I? Am I traveling with the other shoppers, or have I found myself going against the flow without noticing? Am I getting too close to people? Should I check?

Individually none of these questions are hard or burdensome to ask, but I feel like I've been running with a little Risk Gnome in my brain for 6 months non-stop, and he's so tiringly chatty.

And yet, I know it's necessary to do the best I can.

Jerry van Leeuwen

Jerry van Leeuwen